How your divorce plays out isn’t entirely in your control, but you can do your part to make it a less contentious (and less expensive) process.
No matter how impossible it may feel at first, it is 100% possible to have a dignified and civilized divorce. Here are tips for making that happen:
- Let go of the rope. Whatever you have been locked in a tug-of-war about during your marriage, it’s time to let go of the rope. There is no point in continuing to fight. The process will be much easier if you don’t engage in arguing with your spouse. Redirect your energy to letting go of your grievances and finding a peaceful way to move forward.
- Don’t Believe Everything You Hear. Just because your spouse says it, doesn’t mean it’s true. You don’t need to respond to everything your spouse says. A lot of it is just noise—treat it as such, and don’t react. Get advice from a reputable source and don’t let someone’s scare tactics affect you.
- Shift Your Lens. Change the way you view your spouse. Can you see them as a flawed human being rather than someone who is intentionally trying to torture you? There’s no reason to correct or criticize anymore. Resolve yourself to treating your spouse like a difficult client, customer, or supervisor.
If you would bite your tongue and try to smooth things over at work, rather than snap back, then do the same at home. It will buy you some peace as you navigate the unwinding process and it will reduce the level of conflict in your house.
Reducing the conflict with your spouse during your divorce is the single best gift you can give to your children (even the ones who are grown). Shifting your perspective can make all the difference.
- Give Grace. Going through a divorce can be a very scary time. Give your spouse grace and know that if they are lashing out, that’s probably their fear talking.
Fear brings out the worst in people. Don’t let your fear get the better of you and don’t react when your partner’s fear takes control of their behavior. Stay steady. Stay calm. Remind yourself that it’s just the fear talking. Stay focused on having a dignified process, even if your spouse is unable to do the same.
- It’s Not Your Job to Give Reality Checks. Let your spouse’s lawyer give them any bad news. It’s no longer your job. You don’t have to comment on their proposals or plans. Even if your mind is screaming, “That’s not realistic” or “Over my dead body,” your voice should say, “Thank you for sharing your ideas. I’ll need to think about it.” And, as often as you can manage it, “I’m sure we’ll figure out something we can both live with.”
- Fake It. Even if you are angry, do your best to be respectful. Even if you are convinced your spouse will make things difficult, act like you believe that “of course” they will be fair. “Of course” they will do what’s best. “Of course” they will be constructive—that’s the type of decent human being they are, otherwise you wouldn’t have married them.
Make it clear you know the two of you have the capacity to be decent and fair with each other. Give them the space and the opportunity to bring their best self to the process.
- One Year Out. Try to keep in mind that in a year, everything will be different—and better. Even people who really did not want the divorce almost always recover and feel entirely better within a year. Many people even find themselves feeling grateful that their spouse made the call to end the marriage.
