Many clients dream of a low-conflict divorce. And for good reason—a peaceful separation benefits everyone involved: the spouses, the children, and even their finances. But what happens when one spouse uses the divorce process as an opportunity to provoke the other?
This provocative behavior typically means bringing up emotionally charged issues or dredging up irrelevant history that's guaranteed to trigger a highly emotional response. This tactic not only drives up the cost of your divorce but can derail negotiations and cause a judge to question just who the better parent is. The good news? With the right approach, the non-aggressive spouse can maintain control and potentially secure better outcomes.
When children are involved, emotional provocations often begin subtly before escalating dramatically. It might start with one parent questioning the other's parenting choices—perhaps about letting a child play independently in the backyard or dietary decisions. Unfortunately, these minor criticisms frequently escalate into serious accusations of child abuse or emotional neglect.
So how should you respond when faced with these tactics? The first rule: don't react immediately. Instead, ask yourself three questions:
- Is the statement true?
- Does it require a response?
- What is your soon-to-be ex-spouse's purpose in making this claim?
Responding while emotional typically leads to escalation and potential court involvement. Instead, wait at least 30 minutes before replying in a calm, neutral manner. Simply state that their narrative is inaccurate, confirm the child is fine, and request they stop manufacturing issues.
Courts tend to view the aggressive parent negatively, while the parent who responds calmly and rationally appears level-headed and supportive of the child's relationship with both parents.
Communication is fundamental to a successful divorce. Ensure you have proper resources to guide your responses to your soon-to-be former spouse. Mental health professionals can provide techniques for addressing false allegations neutrally yet directly. Skilled attorneys can offer guidance on how various statements might help or hurt your case and advise on the most effective responses.
