Almost every person who signs their judgment of divorce has the same feeling of relief: Phew. The case is finally over. I can move on.
In many ways, this feeling represents something real. Getting divorced is stressful and difficult when the couple gets along relatively well, to say nothing of high-conflict cases that may have had significant motion practice, difficult mediations, or even gone through trial or binding arbitration. But for a divorcing couple with children, the pre-judgment period is just the first phase. Along with the judgment comes an entirely new set of problems to navigate: transitions between households, regular phone or FaceTime calls between the child(ren) and the other parent, agreement on overlapping extracurriculars, shared expenses, new partners, medical and dental care, parenting time trades, school choice, and a host of other decisions that require agreement between now-divorced parents.
These are not always easy decisions upon which to come to agreement. Married or divorced, every set of parents has legitimate disagreements when raising children. Parents don’t have to be divorced to disagree about when a child should receive his or her first cell phone, which extracurriculars should be prioritized, or whether a particular medical procedure is necessary. However, conflict between divorced parents is frequently magnified due to distrust, resentment, contempt, and anger. All of which are not helpful to building a positive co-parenting relationship.
And it is important for divorced parents to develop a positive co-parenting relationship. Academic studies have consistently found that high levels of parental conflict about a child have a negative effect on his or her adjustment, which may include difficulties in personal and social relationships, diminished academic performance, anxiety, and depression. With that in mind, below are three recommendations for newly divorced parents seeking to develop a positive co-parenting relationship:
Remember BIF
BIF stands for “brief, informative, and factual.” 99% of communications between divorced parents should fall into this category. When coordinating calls, extracurriculars, school drop-offs or pick-ups, there is no need to say anything more than necessary. Communicating in this way keeps discussions neutral and focused on the present rather than focusing on old resentments or negative comments about your ex-spouse. This minimizes the chance of miscommunication, keeps the conversation positive, and shows respect for your co-parent. For example:
Good Communication: “Our kids’ school requires them to have sports physicals before classes start next month. The pediatrician’s office gave me August 10 at 2 pm, August 20 at noon, and August 22 at 11 am as open appointments. Would you like to attend? If so, which one works for you?”
Bad Communication: “I know that you don’t like coming to the doctor’s office, but I felt like I should reach out to see if you want to be more participatory now that we’re divorced. The kids need sports physicals before school starts. I think they’re pretty pointless and stupid. I just took the kids for annual physicals earlier this year, but the school requires the form. I know you wouldn’t know about that because I fill out all the school forms every single year. The doctor gave me a couple times on my parenting time that work. If you have better things to do, that’s fine. They expect me to take them anyway. Like I said, let me know if you want to come and I’ll see what works on our end.”
Set Boundaries
If you find yourself struggling to respond to a co-parent, that seems to want to send you ten messages a day or are constantly thinking about exactly how to respond to the point that it’s making you crazy: set boundaries. While every parent must decide what is best for him or her, here are some strategies to think about to take control of your time and sanity:
- Only communicate once per day. Unless something is truly urgent, there’s no need for a real-time back and forth. Instead, pick a time that works for you every day. At the appointed time, sit down and write all your messages at once. When you’re done, close your computer and walk away.
- Do not respond to messages that do not require a response. Received a nasty, drunken text at 3 am? Don’t respond.
- Switch to a dedicated messaging app for divorced parents, such as Our Family Wizard or AppClose. These apps can help to formalize communications and keep everyone more civil. By maintaining correspondence, expenses, and a calendar all in one place, you can also decrease the amount of time spent dealing with co-parenting issues.
Ask Yourself: Would I Feel OK Showing this Message to My Mother? My Boss? My Kids? The Court?
At the risk of stating the obvious, every communication between divorced parents has the potential to become Exhibit 1 in a motion filed with the court. And judges are people. They understand and value respectful communication and will hold it against a party whose communications are inappropriate, whether that means profanity-laden, passive aggressive, bullying, dishonesty, or just plain mean. That is to say a judge who sees a stack of inappropriate communications will discount the testimony and opinions of the offending parent. When a judge is called upon to make a discretionary decision, credibility differences between the parties can be the difference between a request being granted or denied.
Developing a positive co-parenting relationship is difficult. However, it is worth it. Divorced parents who can effectively work through their disagreements civilly, have more well-adjusted children and better day-to-day lives than those who constantly battle things out in the court system. While some parents can work these things out on their own, others may need attorney assistance to create a set of rules that each parent can follow to improve their communication.
The best time to create those rules is during your divorce proceeding itself, but it's never too late to try and improve your co-parenting relationship.
